Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
my nickname in college
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl