I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
#Caturday
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!