My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* Thatâs gotta be mineâ
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, âNo.â
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each oâŚ
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Australiaâs reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: âŚno
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
đđđđđđđđ
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me thereâs food at my door.
âYour dad and I are leaving for dinner now.â
Two seconds later:
When you wish you could tell someone that wonât stop talking âOkay weâre out of time todayâ just like a therapist.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Caller ID isnât enough for Me I need to know why youâre calling.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you wonât ever get it.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more