People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
What do you hear?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*power walks to the refrigerator*
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early