@Social_Mime: My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.
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@lazerdoov: I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
@ArfMeasures: [Phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love? W: omg YES! ME: I'm petting a dog near there
@Reverend_Scott: I have a great story to tell u. "Why don't u just go write a book" Wow, that's- "Don't u dare say it-" a novel idea. "I'm moving out"