My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
December birthdays be like…
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”