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@ladybroseph: My friend is an excellent librarian.
@bazecraze: Neil Patrick Harris couldn't host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
@kidphonic: Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
@GodShammGod9: My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".
@AnkCoupleTO: Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I'll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
@Brianhopecomedy: If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.