My friend is an excellent librarian.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice