@TrueTorontoGirl: My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
@truegritrumble: CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you? ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment. CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
@haveigotnews: As Vladimir Putin announces he's seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
@PLATINUM2000: Me: I killed another one, boss. Mob boss: You don't work for me. Me: I volunteered. Mob boss:*Looking angry* Me: I'm gonna get back to work.