My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
You Might Also Like
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Squirrels before girls.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.