Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought