@lisawhiteWHAT: My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
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@DamienFahey: Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
@TheBoydP: Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don't remember doing it.
@zachreinert03: I've never understood the whole 'burying people for fun at the beach'. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
@hippieswordfish: ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911 ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?