So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Who’s your best friend?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.