HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.