My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Stop it! 😂
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.