My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Breaking news:
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.