My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
that colleague who touches your screen
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Basically.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related