@MattElGato: Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.

@AlisonChrista: Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer- *is decapitated by a hockey stick*

@1evilidiot: [couples therapy] "Have you tried sexy lingerie?" me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

@MethShart: David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@Fred_Delicious: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! THOR: "here" IRON MAN: "here" HULK: "here" PHIL COLLINS - "here" ... ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man