@zachreinert03: My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
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@karencheee: Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.
@NicestHippo: WIFE: I can't take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart! ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?
@KenJennings: Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell "definitely."
@Phook75: I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house