@zachreinert03: My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
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@MattElGato: Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.
@AlisonChrista: Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer- *is decapitated by a hockey stick*
@1evilidiot: [couples therapy] "Have you tried sexy lingerie?" me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
@MethShart: David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.