I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard