@FeelingEuphoric: My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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@joejwest: [on date] ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face] DATE: This isn't even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?
@Skoogeth: cop: do you know how fast you were going? cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
@AndrewNadeau0: 1ST MAN: I'm sorry, I- 1ST HORSE: It's fine. M: H: M: It's just why BOTH walk? So I thoug- H: I said it's fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
@amydillon: All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I'm trying to pull an invisible dog sled.