My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
That’s amazing.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher