“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
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Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Autocorrect completely socks
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times