my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Waiting for the Charmin
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”