That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.