My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
This rocks
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
That lamp looks PISSED.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one