My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.