My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar