They say women only use 10% of their anger
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My first son he is wonderful
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.