My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
adding to the discourse
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.