My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible