A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
You Might Also Like
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
my mom making me talk to relatives
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Breaking news:
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate