My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
“That’s what” – She
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
sry
kitchen magnet