@Swishergirl24: My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don't have to shovel snow this weekend.
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@mommy_cusses: Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
@DirtMcTurd: when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
@KalvinMacleod: [new hire intro] BOSS: this is Jim. You've been here how long Jim? JIM: next year will be 10 years ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years