My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
mumsnet is amazing
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Canadian owl: Eh?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.