if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.