@teacup_giraffe: My friends won't get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is "mexillent".
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@GhantaGuy: It's so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don't accept your friend request.
@AmishPornStar1: You know you're getting old when you sound like a women's tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
@Home_Halfway: I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are "Halloween decorations" again.
@markleggett: Google+ is not a "ghost town", because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.