Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
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sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
We’ve come full circle
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Goodnight 🐶
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Jurassic park gets weird
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.