@teacup_giraffe: My friends won't get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is "mexillent".
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@Sickayduh: "Ewww how'd that get in the house? I don't wanna kill it. I'll just put it outside" *scoops your baby up in a tissue*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
@simoncholland: Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can't handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
@stephenjmolloy: [Pharmacy] Me: I need 50 packets of condoms Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend! *I wink* *cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*