@teacup_giraffe: My friends won't get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is "mexillent".
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@gruffybeard: Her: Why's the couch smell like pee? [Flashback to me watching The Ring alone] Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."
@Jamie1947: Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this"
@LaureRapper: Meanwhile, at School: Teacher- "How much is a gram?" Laure- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out" #YouOwnedHimDude
@lisaxy424: It doesn't matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.