@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay? ME: I will. [later] WIFE: What the hell? [6 puppies run by] ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
@LackOfShame: "You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck." - my voicemail message