@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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@FilthyRichmond: I'm calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
@mynameisntdave: RACIST: im a racist! ME: uh oh RACIST: yea I race cars! ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means RACIST: & I hate Jews! ME: there it is
@JizzIam: Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I'm now waiting on a tow truck.
@dyldonot: [first date] me: [don't let her know you're a microwave] her: my food is a bit cold me: [my head starts slowly rotating]