@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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@lizetagge: Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
@iDontWannaBeYhu: Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
@kelkulus: People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.