[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“No way.” -Jose
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry