[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.