@SkinnieTalls: My future's so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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@simoncholland: Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
@JustDontBugMe: [god creating raccoons] God: Make a giant squirrel that's dressed like a burglar and greedy af. Angel: But... God: Just do it.
@heidi420x: Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.