@SkinnieTalls: My future's so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"
@truegritrumble: ME: *pulling up my pants* What's the prognosis, Doc? DOCTOR: You've got cancer. ME: WHAT?! DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I'm not a doctor.
@dafloydsta: ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman* DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR