My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.