@SkinnieTalls: My future's so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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@AaronFullerton: If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
@ericsshadow: My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
@jctwritesstuff: *hears Siren's song* *eyes glaze* *walks in a trance ten miles* *breaks window to donut shop* I'm here, Mistress. *eats everything* *dies*
@KeetPotato: [gets pulled over] cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: "answer the man"