My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
S/o to @funTweeters .
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.