my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.