My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?