When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
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“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?