@JamieGreenlees: My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park :(
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@juicymorsel: My teen thought it'd be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
@natechartier1: Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
@juneohara65: I just got a text from someone I don't know. They say they're sick and vomitting. Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?