My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I gave up going to work for lent.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)