my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
shit just got real
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.