Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
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What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Who knew!
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account