*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
You Might Also Like
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost