[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I feel seen
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.