My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.