Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.