“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
spicy snake
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
meanwhile over on facebook
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.