@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, "How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?"
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@9to5Life: I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".
@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
@xosm: Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch? M: I'd rather be the Mom K: ooh, right. Much scarier.