My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Twitter is the new flypaper.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Ugh but profoundly
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“Why you watching this shit?”