@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, "How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?"
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@NicestHippo: *notices zipper is down* OMG! *zips it up* FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself
@bonehugsnirony: Me: algebra is a scam lmao [years later] St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven Me: oh no
@JessObsess: I tell people I'm narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they're talking to me I don't seem rude.
@ArfMeasures: [customs] "Passport?" *I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out* ME: OH NO OH GOD *still rummaging through bag* ME: I've forgotten it