Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.