@kelkulus: My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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@spiritusloquens: My fortune cookie: "Like a hair on a bar of soap, you're likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you..."
@robfee: Worst things the parents do on Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
@rockymomax: [moon landing] ME: the beagle has landed HOUSTON: you mean eagle? ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope