My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.