My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
best first i’ve ever seen
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.